Advice Needed when woman is too tight for penetration/sex

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  ... had a similar issue. She was very tight and found penetration to be painful. She kept pushing her husband away because of the pain. I advised her to ask her Gynae if she might have vaginismus but apparently she didn't. At least, the physiological and/or anatomical causative factor could be ruled out. She was my BFF then (apparently, the 'forever' in BFF is erm... flexible in time frame :P) and in my culture and background and back in those days, sex and such was pretty much tabboo so I was the only one she could speak to openly about this. Turns out that in her case, it was a psychological issue - a huge morbid fear of the pain of sex which then caused her to get all uptight and anxious, and of course, very tight down there as the vaginal wall muscles constrict and/or spasm. Over the months, we talked about this and after much reassurance and a tip or two, she eventually conquered her fears and it was no longer painfully impossible for her to have sex, although she never really developed a real liking for sex anyway. :P OP, I commend you on your courage for coming out with this topic. Thumbs up! The desire to solve a problem and concurrently asking for help, is a huge, crucial first step to take towards overcoming it. ;) May I suggest looking at the list of causes of vaginismus and then, by eradicating the factors that are obviously irrelevant for you, you might whittle down the list to the factors that are applicable to you? The good ol' process of elimination might just help you, in this case. Sometimes, vaginismus has a psychological basis. Not saying that it's applicable to you but in those instances, it's not a medically-trained professional who can assist you but rather, a psychologist or a sex therapist. It's important to find out the causative factor so we don't end up paying an electrician to fix a plumbing issue. ;) In the meantime, continue to explore your sexuality and build your sexual confidence just to keep the Lust furnace burning! =D Looks like your tricky situation presents you with a fabulous opportunity of finding a man who is patient, kind and willing to persevere with you through good and bad. I like to see the sunshine behind every storm cloud so whilst waiting for and working towards a solution, all the men who are selfish, narcissistic and who just want to fuck 'em and dump 'em won't be hanging around. ;) Those who remain and are patient with you are the gems! :) I wish you a great, orgasmic outcome, OP!

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  ...and all I can really do is wish you the very best going forward. That said, this is very definitely where communication and trust with your chosen partner needs to and has to come to the forefront. There is nothing at all wrong with you and just accept that as you are the only you that you have in this world. And just for the record, it would be all out flat out sexy as all get out to share that with a background of soft candle light, great music and a very well-aged scotch in hand...wine if you prefer it. Could be that communication is that magical ''hot spot'' as you will be much more relaxed rather than anticipating a painful or failed outcome. Besides, if you can't communicate as to who you are and what you need then perhaps you should choose a different partner. A great deal of what translates to our physical needs is found in the depths of our mental and emotional percerptions. Travel well and always remember that you are indeed ''worth it''. Best..... CM

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  Thanks so much PurePeony. I will definately think about what you have said and take some more steps to find out what is going on. I think it is all about feeling an emotional connection with a man because I rarely had the problem when I was in a relationship...we were like rabbits. I am thinking men on RHP and most if not all online dating sites are all looking for just hookups, meet then have sex, no getting to know her first, to not to form an emotional connection. At first I thought (when my libido was off the charts) that I could just meet someone for sex but now I know I cant, there has to an emotional spark as well and I have to like who he is as a person to sleep with him. Thanks again and happy rabbitting haha.

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  Thank you so much ChasinMidnight for your kind words. It is so nice to know that there are some men out there who find getting to know a woman slowly (& in a romantic way) sexy and appealing. What is your opinion of men on this site as in do you think any of them are actually looking for a relationship or just wham bam thank you m'am? I realise I am being a bit hard on myself and my original post description of my problem is not quite accurate as experience has proven if I like the man and feel a connection mentally and an attraction physically, then I naturally 'open up' and accept him. It is still a bit painful at first but not too bad and we are like rabbits in no time hehe. This conversation has made me realise more than ever I am not interested in meeting men for just sex, it is not who I am mentally and obviously not something I can handle physically. Thanks again and have fun.

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  After years of no sex, I found myself a FB and had initally found penetration painful but with patience (from him) and lots of use it's much better although if I haven't seen him in a week or two it's a bit pinchy. I'd start with something smaller than your dildo, I think you can get a set of progressively larger insets to gradually get you used to penetration. Or if you want sex now, find a guy who only does oral.

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  DynamicCouple36

  9 years ago

  It could very well be tight pelvic floor muscles / the muscles you tighten when you want to stop a pee mid stream. There are physios that specialise in treating these problems. They will do an internal ultrasound (with a small "wand") so as to take a look at the muscles. If they are found to be overly tight (often caused by stress / anxiety ) they will give you special relaxation exercises to do twice daily. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  Sawadee

  9 years ago

  I can't help but feel its some sort of phycological thing. Not saying what you experience is not real , I believe what you say. If it is phycological issue, you may well be worrying well before the actual event '. so by the time penetration comes about , you're mind and body are already in the shut down mode.. I don't think you're alone with this condition, I think both men and women will at sometime face something that should come naturally... I went through a stage where I could fuck all night and not cum... The more I worried about it , the worse it became. Dr told me it had become a mental thing and so I had to try to mentally re adjust to get things working again.. Not easy , but it can be done. I'm by no means saying what I say here is 100% correct ... Just the way I see it... Have you tryed enjoying a bottle of red with your partner before the event ? At least it would relax you... Jay...

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  Quoting 'Spunky76' Thank you so much ChasinMidnight for your kind words. It is so nice to know that there are some men out there who find getting to know a woman slowly (& in a romantic way) sexy and appealing? I realise I am being a bit hard on myself and my original post description of my problem is not quite accurate as experience has proven if I like the man and feel a connection mentally and an attraction physically, then I naturally 'open up' and accept him. It is still a bit painful at first but not too bad and we are like rabbits in no time hehe. ...and if I had anything to add it would be an anecdotal comment. A woman I met some years ago that could have made AirCon divert flights from over the 100km zone once she dropped her panties! The cats across the street were jumping off a fish truck and committing suicide! You are no doubt lovely and I betcha $2 that when you do cum.... it blows the lid right off the top of the jar! Now that I'm past 50, it takes some time to get hard and ohhhhhh such a pity a while to cum regardless. I like that about me now as it is who I am. Pop into my loft in the city anytime albeit I can only imagine we would be better served at my little house near the beach on Wilson's Prom. Best gorgeous lady...... CM

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  Hi thank you all for your comments and support. Dynamic Couple-you might be onto something there as I used to do those pelvic exercises all the time to make myself tighter for when I had a boyfriend (not that I needed to but he loved it when I would clench myself tight during sex). A doctor / gyno? did tell me once that I was unusually tight and every time I have ever gotton those god-awful scrapings every 5? years (pap test) the pain is unbelievable. Maybe some damage was done years ago with a donkey dick... he was about 10-12 inches and thick --I kid you not! I could put my whole fist in myself after that. Could barely walk afterwards I tell you. It was consensual but I think I blocked out the pain. Yes also a very good suggestion lu_lu82 to go buy something smaller than a 6' dildo...sex shops have an unbelievable range, I dont know what most of the toys even are! I guess is what is frustrating for me is I am so revved up and cant even go get myself a hot root!!!!!! The suggestion of finding a man good at oral ... now perhaps I should look for someone who fits that description... good oral can have me screaming for the real thing.... ...and if panting for it maybe there wont be a problem hehe. Hope to find a good man who wants to get to know me slowly who fits who I am looking for and will be happy to take things at my pace. I get the impression that this site is really only for hookups, at least from the male perspective. I signed up when my libido was through the roof and I was thinking I could just meet someone for sex ... until I realised I couldn't and confirmed what I suspected. Bugger. ChasinMidnight- I am in Qld but you never know, I will be in Melbourne in a few months...speaking of which open to meeting ppl when there. Love these forums.

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  Quoting 'Spunky76' Thanks so much PurePeony. I will definately think about what you have said and take some more steps to find out what is going on. I think it is all about feeling an emotional connection with a man because I rarely had the problem when I was in a relationship...we were like rabbits. I am thinking men on RHP and most if not all online dating sites are all looking for just hookups, meet then have sex, no getting to know her first, to not to form an emotional connection. At first I thought (when my libido was off the charts) that I could just meet someone for sex but now I know I cant, there has to an emotional spark as well and I have to like who he is as a person to sleep with him. Thanks again and happy rabbitting haha. Right there, Bingo! We've been on the same trajectory, Sista! When I first joined RHP in Dec 2015, my libido was astronomically high and I told myself to give ONS a go because I've never ever tried it, maybe it would work for me. I think being amidst a community where other women seemed to consider ONS / casual encounters as no big deal kinda helped create that bravado. But bleah... tried it, hated it. I thought I could just use a man the same way he's using me, for sexual satisfaction but I suppose some of us just aren't wired that way. I am not a seasoned user and just can't fuck 'em and dump 'em. OP, sounds like you might be of the same mindset and personality and ONS just wouldn't work for folks like us in the long run without us feeling like we've lost a part of our soul and have done a major trade-off in terms of our values, perhaps. It is what it is and we are who we are. I've learnt since that I only like ONS if it's within the context the role playing - get your FWB to "pretend" that you are strangers in a bar and have him flirt with me outrageously and then we leave together for a "hook-up", much to the amusement and envy of the other bar patrons. I love love love that kind of roleplay. I'm getting all horny already, just thinking about the scenario! OP, since you mentioned that you had absolutely no issues whatsoever when you were in a proper relationship, it appears that there might be grounds to think that the problem you are facing is indeed of a psychological basis. You probably just need to feel that you are emotionally connected to the man before you can relax and enjoy sex with him. It is a very intimate act although in this day and age of wanton casual sex, unfortunately certain things get belittled and the gravity of the act gets lost / dissipated. Let not those of us who still choose to hold certain time-honoured values dear in our hearts feel pressurised to give it all up and make light of things and compromise on our beliefs and values just because the marching drum roll of the majority in the new movement drown out all other voices that beg to differ. Maybe you always were and always shall be a relationships-based person? Celebrate that! And OP, maybe once you find a man who holds similar beliefs and values and thus makes you feel comfortable and relaxed once more, you'll be back at it like bunnies! You might be a highly sensitive soul who picked up the wrong vibes in the men you've met and it was your body's way of telling you, "No! This is all wrong!" Sometimes, we just have to listen to what our bodies are telling us and be true to our authentic selves.

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  teejaylongsword

  9 years ago

  There are many ways to have fun. Don't over think it and don't assume that a man won't be open to doing things differently. I was with a woman who didn't want to use proper lube. No problem...out comes the olive oil (haha). I hope your using some sort of lubricant. This could be anything that you are comfortable using. I have also had women hold my shaft as we have sex. This prevented me from going all the way in. This was a bit of a turn on for me so I just went with it. At first I imagined using my whole length, but I was open to a different way of going about it. She didn't have to be anxious about my length and it still felt good to me anyway. Don't bother with any men you can't trust. Find a man that will listen and you are part way there. Personally, oral, masturbation and tit fucking are still lots of fun. If you are totally relaxed with a trusted guy that will listen, your muscles may eventually relax enough for you to have a little go. You can always 'finish' with masturbation or something afterwards. good luck

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  Quoting 'Spunky76'ChasinMidnight- I am in Qld but you never know, I will be in Melbourne in a few months...speaking of which open to meeting ppl when there. .... run up your way quite regularly. I always have a few hours up my sleeve to develop a true oral understanding of my partner. We can also talk...after. Now if the buggers at the Brissie and GC airports would just learn to accept that landing backwards on a chosen runway really does take some skill? Be well, beautiful lady.

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  RHP User

  9 years ago

  Ha ha god I love this forum and thank you all again for replying ... it is nice to be a part of a kinky community! ChasinMidnight I was kidding about meeting up, you know I can't do that meet then fuck, trip is also too rushed. Nice g string by the way. Peony I love the way you think and your words are so spot on!! Thank you again for your words. You are so right! We must honour who we are and not succumb to the pressure others may make us feel. If we lived in the same place I'd want to meet you for coffee. I know a reason I have this problem too is because the last man I had sex with was a huge turn off physically but we had a connection emotionally-- that doesn't work either, has to be both. No matter how horny I was within a minute of having sex with him I lost the desire. So now I associate sex with gross turn off encounters that I deeply regret... stooped too low that time, guess my hormones overrode common sense. The man before that I was attracted to but he turned out to be an asshole. The same with the one before that. Go figure. So I guess my body no longer associates sex as a good thing, only my hormones tell me I want it.Wish these hormones would calm down. Maybe I should go see a Dr for some libido suppressing drugs...if I can get prescribed some. Better make it a female GP eh.

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