M54 F55
Do your friends know you're non-monogamous? If so, what happened?
February 16 2013
Comments
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hi Tn R, what an interesting topic to mention. None of our friends know we are naughty' so the first point is how did your friends find out?Our view; I guess we are private sexually though wouldnt really want to 'play' with friends from our 'social circle' though would be open to socialising with play friends. As for us being 'out' with not being monogamous not really sure I/we would be up for that either.Hence we remain rather private but discreetly naughty.S4her..
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RHP User
13 years ago
I can't input as I am single but it's a very interesting question. Particularly your comment that the husbands are against the idea. Do you think men are more possessive and scared to explore than women when it comes to their partner?? Hopefully you will get some good responses. :)
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RHP User
13 years ago
I think if your friends have a problem with the way you are then they probably aren't genuine friends to start off with.Maybe a lot of the negativity comes from insecurity?Interesting but I guess not totally surprising to find out that a fair few women were interested in the idea.
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RHP User
13 years ago
But perhaps it's just like many here it's the unknown reaction that might happen if you were found out is the major concern. At the end of the day if they are genuine friends they should accept you for who you are and although they may not agree with your lifestyle choice it should not effect your friendship. In saying that it may also ruin the friendship as it turns out you are not someone they thought you were. Small details I guess as I don't ever remembering in my life that I enjoyed the friendship of a person because they made the comment that they were a one women man. There are a million reason you make friends with people but not one of them ever was decided upon what lifestyle they are choosing to live. My point is I guess if it comes out after the dust settle with surprise or shock I'm sure it will probably make little difference. ( but then again mrs usandu73 Is pretty sexually confident and not prude in anyway so they may think "hmmm ok that makes sense now) but still I think we rather keep it private if at all possible.
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RHP User
13 years ago
There is the professional aspect with of course can be very damaging to people if it was found out so I guess it's where you are to how damaging it can be.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' I can't input as I am single but it's a very interesting question. Particularly your comment that the husbands are against the idea. Do you think men are more possessive and scared to explore than women when it comes to their partner?? Hopefully you will get some good responses. :) Meeks.... I think men are actually MORE insecure than women.
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cbdlivin
13 years ago
The problem of friends finding out in the situation you have set out is that there are social pressures in play on what is considered the norm, and how most people like to fit in.I can imagine the female halves in the couples being curious as over the years I have noticed that woman are more secure in relationships and can consider exploring. Male egos make many men fragile which I have seen with couples swinging for the first time where it is the guy pushing the idea of swinging as long as they are the ones having fun and their partner does not have too much fun. But back to the reactions, the norm within Australia is for couples to be monogamous so it can be seen as as socially unacceptable when a couple is found not to be monogamous. Now you get the reaction of everyone stepping back from the people who do not fit the norm, and even couple who may have an open relationship will join the main group so that they do not get ostracised themselves. So they may secretly not have a problem with your lifestyle but they will not be openly supportive.In the end it is the world we live in and why being discreet on lifestyle choices is part of who we are for self preservation.
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Cheekyarses
13 years ago
Great topic! No our closest friends do not know what we get up too! One great friend of mine knows that I have participated in 3 n 4sums. We have our acquaintances, our closest friends n then our play friends! But I am lucky that my best friends are also play friends! I can share all my experiences with them! Send them pics, talk about anything! We both have important occupations that requires us to be professional at all times! But we also like to have a life n we like to be in this lifestyle! Ppl will always be curious, each to their own!
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RHP User
13 years ago
My sister in law was on the site and recognised our bed in our profile pic so questioned us and we admitted it thinking she has as much to hide as us until she found a wowser boyfriend and god then told my wife's mum about us and what we did even showed her our profile yet when we protested her profile was gone . Caused a fair bit of tension in my wife's family . Needless to say my mother in law doesn't babysit for us any more and my sister in law doesn't come over for coffee - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
13 years ago
Do men really want to control their women/partner? That is just another way of saying they are insecure about themselves and are scared of loosing their partner. Maybe if they put more effort into a relationship they wouldn't feel that way? Boom tish! Still a valid question though.
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RHP User
13 years ago
It is an interesting question. In my experience and reading from this forum I would say that men are terribly hurt when a woman leaves them. As a woman is when a man breaks up with her too of course, but men seem to take years to really get over it and carry scares around for a lot longer than women in general. And they seem to be doubly weary of allowing their hearts to get involved with someone else. Women recover and adapt more quickly than the boys! Now how is that for pulling a statement out of my arse! lol
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RHP User
13 years ago
That is meant to say... carry around scars. But I suppose men scare easy too.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Interesting POVs and stuff-to-read. Thank you.In the end, we don't care as (as one of you mentioned) it'll sort true friends from less-true friends.Lots of food-for-thought as we continue down this road.:)
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RHP User
13 years ago
My workmates put two and two together over time, and come at me with the straight up question - after that initial discovery and their excitement, it was just back to normal day to day - as in the novelty of knowing wore off.As mentioned by Here4Fun71, my only worry or concern would be if the family found out (although I think they have their suspicions!)
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Otori' My workmates put two and two together over time, and come at me with the straight up question - after that initial discovery and their excitement, it was just back to normal day to day - as in the novelty of knowing wore off.As mentioned by Here4Fun71, my only worry or concern would be if the family found out (although I think they have their suspicions!) Interesting topic!!I've started having to say to colleagues "...if you ask, I'll tell you, but be careful that you really want to know", because it became harder to hide (small company, very social bunch with too little work/life split).Friends is the challenge... I am *this* close to just tearing the lid off and making it a known part of my persona - like collecting stamps or following Man U.And Meeka, yep... men are fragile, fragile creatures, you know that. Cautious and easily scarred and even more easily scared. Or vice versa.
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RHP User
13 years ago
We have a small circle of friends that know what we get up to, who are quite comfortable knowing. They dont treat us like leppers, they actually find it quite intriguing knowing that we enjoy having sex with others and how solid our relationship is. We also have some friends and work coleagues that we think, they know what we get up to.. Be nice if swinging wasn't so frowned upon, as we'd be happy if everyone we know, knew.
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RHP User
13 years ago
my friend who I have been friends with since we were 12 knows. I blurted it out one night when I was drunk. she just assumed we played with women but when I told her no men to she was how did you get him to agree and the discussion went from there. Mr B told his best mate and he just said be careful. 3 of my workmates (2men, 1 woman) know, because I'm a flirt and after a while one just asked me if I am a swinger. I have no idea why but I said yes without hesitation. turns out he and his partner (who I also work with) are also. The other I asked him because I just had to know lol. He used to be but he is now married and his wife doesn't now about that part of his life. We have brought the topic up in conversation a few time with different people and almost everyone thinks its wrong and not the right thing to do. They are lovely people but I think society's views and lack of knowledge has a lot to do with this opinion. Mrs B
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RHP User
13 years ago
We have told a few of our better friends, one couple because we know he has a dirty mind and we have always had open conversation. Another after the guy told me he had been offered sex by a colleague and had thought about it; so I thought I would mention there is another way without cheating. Then later when the conversation started getting boring we spilled the beans big time to both of them haha. Plus a few of Mrs Dolphins long time girlfriends know and I told my best mate briefly. A few days later he was a bit disturbed and asked me why I told him “was it because we wanted to have sex with them, as he didn’t think his wife would like the idea?” I told him “noö” I just wanted let you know what was going on in my life. We have never talked about it again. Our other friends find it interesting and are happy for regular stories and updates.
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Paradisepair
13 years ago
Made sense, they've known us from the beginning of our relationship. As for the rest of our friends, no.
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RHP User
13 years ago
A lot of my guy friends know and are obviously very interested in what happens and ask them if they would do it 'oh hell yeah' 'but they shag your girl' 'oh fuck no'. My wife told some of her girlfriends years ago that she was bi and we had 3somes with other girls, it didn't go down well. She got massively judged, I think mostly because she 'allowed' me to shag other women. I've found that telling people about this that they internalise it. Its never 'good for you', its often I couldn't handle it so you shouldn't be able to.We haven't found that a vanilla couple has gotten weird around us though. They have never assumed that we would pick up our mates. Great questions
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'inspirit' Quoting 'Meeka100' I can't input as I am single but it's a very interesting question. Particularly your comment that the husbands are against the idea. Do you think men are more possessive and scared to explore than women when it comes to their partner?? Hopefully you will get some good responses. :) Meeks.... I think men are actually MORE insecure than women. No offence but, everybody is different and all generalising does is creates hostilities between the sexes. Obviously most women would say men are more insecure as would some men say the same about women... However, what is clear is that those types of generalisations have been created by bitterness and insecurities between both the sexes and turned into tit-for-tat name calling games since society began.We have friends that do know and some that don't. Our friends that do know are very close friends but still don't get it and no, we don't even think Darth Vader could turn them to the dark side... The friends that don't know are mainly those that have some sort of family ties with us...The last thing we want our Mothers to hear before they die is that we love shagging with different couples....We think if you are insecure you shouldn't be swinging as a couple...Dr. Pussypurrfect (private consultations also available)
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RHP User
13 years ago
In reality, I think most of us have more acquaintances than friends anyway. I would tend to think real friends while maybe surprised, wouldn't care. Knowing our real friends, I tend to think they would love to get into the freedom of the lifestyle instead of thinking or reading about when their own relationship gets a bit so so. I think it is probably more jealousy than anything. So many people are just so boring in their own skin that they have to bag and dump on others enjoying themselves because they are to afraid to take that leap. Monogamy is so religeous and 1950's.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Telling friends has to be done on an individual basis. We have some friends who know and don't care and some friends who know that are no longer friends because we might put the hard word on them or we have become instantly sexually threatening. Generally no family members knows except one brother but no the whole true ( he cant handle the truth) eg: brother : you only do it with girls right , you don't let other guys shag your girl do you ? No, no of course not , just girls mate lol. Most people can't fathom the idea of letting someone else have sex with their partner. Truth is its scary but once you have crossed that line you realise it wasn't as dramatic as your feared it might be. Telling friends stories can be funny and entertaining but is frought with peril, in the end we have found that over time that strong friendships form with people of the same interest and only your bestest , true friendships remain in tact. Off topic slightly, we have found that although guys are the keen ones at first it's the girls that seem to feel the most comfortable once the line is crossed , like ducks to water generally .
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RHP User
13 years ago
I'm pretty out spoken so I share a lot with friends. Most of them know that we enjoy ourselves. If people aren't close to us though then they more see us as 'That couple who are confident and aren't jealous'. Just because our affections aren't strictly toward each other it doesn't mean we fuck or play with anything that moves and a lot of people don't realise this. I'm sure we will lose some friends a long the way, but just because you're a guy and I'm a girl and you're heterosexual doesn't mean I'm going to want to fuck you. Same applies when in an open relationship. Just because we're friends doesn't mean I'm going to try something with youMrsSplicey
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JohnAnn2227
12 years ago
We definitely have not told family. They would not understand at all. They are always making snide remarks about us sunbaking nude etc at home so bringing extra partners into our bedroom would be way too hard for them. We have had to tell a couple of friends who saw me out with a friend and they thought I was having an affair behind John's back. They respeceted our decision but felt that we were playing with fire.We were recently recognised by a group of people at Couples Club. It turns out that they go to the same little athletics club as we do (our kids are in different age groups though). They obviously are open about being swingers but now talk to us and ask if we are going to "the club" tonight etc. This has caused uncomfortable questions from friends who we sit with on a Saturday morning. We are now really worried about who is going to find out at athletics as they have a group of 8 - 10 couples who sit together. We don't know if they all swing but it isn't a secret amongst them. This could be a ticking timebomb for us.
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RHP User
12 years ago
A while ago I heard something I never forgot (and which sort of changed how I live my life): "Wherever you have a secret, that's where you're vulnerable". Since then, have been trying (within limits) to live without secrets. I feel your worry JohnAnn, but hopefully if your secret is forced out, it will - after time - actually only make you less vulnerable (i.e. stronger). T.(I posted this thread ages back when we had a different handle, and have been experiencing more and more folks knowing we're "monogamish"... and frankly, the douchebags fall away, and the cream rises to the top.)
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RHP User
12 years ago
know but that's it both have been very supportive and not had any issues with it. certainly not something we intend to broadcast more generally though.
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RHP User
12 years ago
Made the mistake of confiding in one person and they told others. So I went and spoke face to face with each. Security in relationship was the most telling. Couple that were the rebels were angry and reject. The stable but very Christian couple were relaxed about it. We also have couple friends who know. She wants to play but he says no and admits it is because he wants to own due to insecure. - Posted from rhpmobile
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