Monogamy vs Open Relationships, singles and swingles on the side

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  FredAndGinger2

  8 years ago

  Long term couple We are married and in love for more than twenty years. We are each others second partners and so that's plenty of evidence that we are monogamous. Recently - less than two years ago - we started thinking about experimenting a little. We are still curious newbies and dabble cautiously into the seinging couples scene. Lots we read, see and hear do not suit our current interests, and so meeting people in a similar situation is where we are comfortable. We're not looking for a quickie, groups, guys or girls. We see these opportunities as something perhaps in our future. We have dabbled a little but there have been too many feelings between the two of us that brew up and so for now we are happy with our current choices. That's us. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  A lot of people, like myself, have answered such a question on their own profile. Essentially it is a "what are you looking for" question. We all have an truly ideal situation we hope for, but we may also be happy with different connections and relationship types that may work for us in the meantime. That is not to say we don't truly value those people, like they are "stopgaps" or something. It means we never know what life is going to bring us, it may never bring us what we really want. But life is not about having everything that you want, it is about enjoying meaning from the people we do have and the things we do for ourselves and for others in general. But to answer, from a relationship I desire relatively traditional values - someone to enjoy life with and spend time with. Normal things, like movies, dinners, walks, seeing entertainment, shows, markets, drives, nature, sports etc etc. Ideally a loving and cohabitating (if not married) relationship. But I would like a varied and open-minded sex life to go with it :) In regard to this lifestyle, I would not feel the need to see any other people seperately, but we may explore things with others together. What do I want from being single? The harder question. I guess in a nutshell, to have some intimacy with others, to learn and grow, to build my financial and living base, to ensure I am best placed to make something work long term if it arises, including knowledge about myself and my own needs, and how best to relate to and engage with others.

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  Oh! I forgot the overly important cliche! Must love dogs :P ... P.S. "What are you truly desiring from a relationship" I notice that on this site, as opposed to almost all other sites, including other sex/adult dating sites, there is no category for listing either having or wanting children (or not). Obviously that's not the focus of interactions here, but some people still have a long term ideal for a partner, and many would rather meet a long term partner here for like-minded adult interests, than venture to "vanilla" sites. (Apologies if this is a little off topic?)

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  I actually love reading about people's stories and their dreams. They are all so unqiue, like a nice little collections of pieces of beautiful minds...never stop being curious as they say. I always wondered what the world would be like if we all had an extra power to see each other's intentions rather than just their physical bodies. But the mystery does make life interesting 💖 @CT I ask because some people don't go into detail on their profiles. I believe forums is the heart of RHP and isnore dynamic and more open to public discussion for the bravehearted. Being a little vulnerable on here is safer as it is mostly as anonymous as one likes. It's like a bigger advertisement for yourself 😉 You've summed it up pretty well for me too @FredandGinger As a single female, I always stayed away from swinging as well, until RHP opened my eyes that little bit more. I remember I joined this time last year and what a rollercoaster year it has been! I tried a lot while single... namely, double penetration with my current boyfriend (an FWB back then)... Don't know that I could fully partner swap and you are both very brace to have tried and realised your limits Before someone comes along to try to convert monogamous views into being more open, I would like to tell my story and maybe how important is it to set your boundaries even as a single. I also don't like when people pressure me or try to convince me to do something that I'm not comfortable with when I'm exploring my boundaries. I went too fast at swinger parties, getting drunk and then being a complete slut... had fun, couldn't remember half of it... only left feeling low self worth the next day. That's not the way it should have been. Swingers then egging me on about how sexy I was... it was revolting at the time. It felt like I was reliving a violation of my belief system when in complete sober exhaustion. Then some swingers on here trying to convince me that what I think is wrong and my boundaries are closed-mindedness... to hell it is! Just because I can't handle as much as them, I'm not dirty enough or slutty enough. That's no different to being at some vanilla sleaze party. So when vanillas say they have bad experiences at swingers parties... it's the amount of, even subtle, disrespect towards someone's boundaries, even here on forums. So I hope that people just talk about their own experiences and only question out of curiosity and not disrespectfulness or probing for personal information.

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  But i am enjoying my freedom which gives me a chance to discover myself and what i really want out of life. The relationship I'm looking for is one that you get to share life's adventures with but not a home together (love my space). I've only been into swinging scene as a single and won't know how i will feel about swinging once in a relationship. I know for sure that it wouldn't be an open relationship. Until i meet someone I'll carry on having fun in the environment that I'm happy in with the people that I can trust and feel comfortable with. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  Well that's me out. I'll just sit here quietly and read 😳

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  Everything is changing at the moment, career paths and working hours, marriage or avoiding it, having children wether straight, gay, married or under contract ! Even gender is becoming more fluid and visible, I've sampled a bit of everything. If you'd asked me at 25 if I'd suck cock you would probably have got a testosterone fuelled broken nose. Been there done that and swallowed. The trick I think to enjoying life to the full is not to paint yourself into a corner as a certain stereotype, it may be you now, but in my experience it only takes a little stray of an open mind and your looking at a whole new landscape of possibilities. Historians will no doubt look back with amusement. Or perhaps if we make a massive right turn, horror !

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  I am solo polyamorous. What it means is that I prefer to live as basically a "single" and independent person, indefinitely. But at the same time, I like having meaningful ongoing relationships. It's just that those relationships are quite a bit more lightweight than traditional life partner type ones. For example: my two most regular ones are based on spending 1 regular night per week together, and going for weekends away from time to time, etc. In many ways similar to having a typical girlfriend/boyfriend thing in the early stages, but it just so happens that you both intentionally want to stay in those early stages forever. And not be exclusive! :P These relationships have been going for years now, and are still totally stable.... In some ways it's a bit like being single and having ongoing FWBs, but not quite. There is no need to avoid intimacy or worry about catching the feels for example - because you both know that you're highly independent people, and won't want anything "more" from each other than what you have right now anyway. So it's actually more fun the more intimate and warm and fuzzy it gets. Feelings don't make it more complicated, but rather more rewarding. I'm in a very happy place with being solo poly. Can't imagine this will ever drastically change either. I've always been a very independent person and always felt smothered under the hefty expectations of traditional relationships, so the solo poly framework (and having partners with similar relationship desires) is just perfect for me. So, I'm mostly here to explore my bi side, as well as potentially play with couples (and possibly groups). Something happened recently that opened my eyes to the potential of having FWB/play partner type connections. And just generally being more sexually open and playful. So that's where I'm at. :)

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  That's so interestingto hear as I read someone else being a solo poly as well, but the only relationship she mentioned was one with a man, who lived in with his wife and girlfriend, but I don't believe she was in a relationship with the wife. As highly independent people, very comfortable with their state and not wanting anything more from a person is a very difficult balance to achieve, in my mind. So kudos! I think it's brilliant that we live in a world where people can explore and not be judged and everyone gets their own little set up in life. I guess the most important thing is being able to handle your own emotions and the story that you tell yourself. I guess I always dreamt of being in a monogamous relationship, but I do see a lot of unhappy, sexless relationships and more often than not, no sex is only the symptom of some deeper unhappiness either within oneself or the relationship and dynamics/patterns/behaviours. That's why I try to be honest wherever I go and whoever I meet, unapologetically being myself because knowing,reinventing and discovering yourself is bloody hard enough, let alone being fake and following other's dreams!!! Monogamy still appeals to me in every sense, that deeper connection and best friend for life. I love the idea of being respectful and loyal to one. Like having one job and then having my free time. I mean I could have 2 jobs and less free time and less focus on either employer but I'm never tied to my work. Work helps me get my personal goals achieved and I help get my employer's work achieved. That's my thought pattern. I don't want it all messed up because it complicates things for me and I love a simple life, where I can feel safe and explore at the same time. Although serial monogamy has come in waves for me, after being on RHP and having my own life experience, sexually, mentally, emotionally,physically and spiritually, I have explored those boundaries a lot more.

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  Following my other analogy with employment. I would classify being self employed like being an independent warrior and maybe having business ventures with others here and there (perhaps like solo poly? Or FWB depending on the agreement?) the loneliness can set in if you are struggling to find someone to fill your most desired need, even in business. When everyone seems to understand but nobody can really fill that void. Anyway... that's only the simple side of it. Oh I was supposed to ask @Katurdai - would you elaborate on "something happened"? Only whatever you feel comfortable with, but you know that already 😉

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  At a stage in my life where I have the things that we work towards with our spouses. Kids, home, career are all accounted for (and I am so grateful for them). Coming out of a long marriage at this age/stage, I'm forced to evaluate what I actually want, which is what brought me here after trying a few mainstream dating sites. Not sure if I will find it here either, but I like the honesty on a site where the first layer of BS is already assumed removed. In the couple of years I have been single, I have woken up to the fact that routine sex, with the same partner always (no matter how loving or capable they are in the sack) loses it's ability to flick my switches. Does that take monogamy off the table for me? I don't know yet. Do I even want a 'partner' ever again? I don't know! I guess my ideal 'dream relationship' would be having a lover who I really really LIKE, and who like me (as in, they are interested in spending time with me clothed as well as unclothed). I'd like to have great times together- and then more or less leave each other alone in between. That said, after a couple of more or less disappointing encounters with potential fwbs who really only wanted the b's, I'm thinking about only getting to know couples from now on- maybe that's where I'll find the f part as well as the b. Anyway that's me, early days, learning something all the time.

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  @katurdai said : In many ways similar to having a typical girlfriend/boyfriend thing in the early stages, but it just so happens that you both intentionally want to stay in those early stages forever. This ^^^^^ put perfectly. Or as a friend once said "never get to the 'farts in front of you' stage!

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  I've been ok with "farts in front of me" when they are embarrassed to do it as I am, but I just giggle it off like a kid... I like that we can still uphold one another and not just let ourselves become too jaded and comfortable for too long at least.. Yes that would be nice to just not live in each other's pockets 👍 That does drive me nuts, even though I want to go back to it everytime! But it would be so nice to go do/to things together more than with others. FWB doesn't work for me, I need that spark (catch feelings) otherwise I lose interest. Something I can't separate well.

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  Myself and my partner have been in an open relationship for over 11yrs.after been in many relationships and cheating on all of them,its very liberating not having to hide who I am, we sometimes play together but having a child has made it pretty hard to do, so we mostly play separately we don't report everything that happens but we talk about it I general terms - Posted from rhpmobile

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  Quoting 'FlyGirlC' Oh I was supposed to ask @Katurdai - would you elaborate on "something happened"? Only whatever you feel comfortable with, but you know that already 😉 One of my partners dabbled in threesomes and small private sex parties recently. I've never been particularly fascinated with multi person sex before, but hearing all about it from someone so intimately close seems to have flipped a switch for me. Now I'm very fascinated by the idea! :D I think that basically opened the floodgates for me a bit - with sexual playfulness and experimentation in general. Until recently, I really never thought of myself as a very sexual person at all. Sex was just something that happened in relationships. But now I have a sense of fun and playfulness and exploration about it. eg. Suddenly the idea of having play partner type connections makes total sense to me. In particular with guys, couples and groups.... (Weirdly enough, I'm actually very hesitant to try to pull a very casual thing with a woman one-on-one. I know I'm very liable to catch the feels if hanging out one-on-one in a private bubble with a woman I like, and actually just don't have the time or emotional bandwidth at the moment for yet another relationship, even a very low-key solo poly one, so it just feels unfair on everyone involved)

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  RHP User

  8 years ago

  @Robert - I'm so glad to hear that it is right for you. What about your partner? Had she been in an open relationship before? Were you monogamous with her or how did you approach the idea of swinging... perhaps you were just in "take it or leave it" attitude after having tried so many times and cheating...? Was the cheating ever emotional as well? Or to you it was just sex and your ex-partners couldn't handle it? Did you ever get with your partner's after? Sorry for all the questions, but I have recently been working on forgiving and trusting my partner for going to a party when I asked him to stop and he agreed. I know it was just sex to him. I'm still not quite comfortable to be in an open relationship. @Katurdai That does sound interesting and like you may be busy for the next year! Like anything you may just get used to it. Bodies are bodies...can just be a superficial meet and just because someone may pay attention to you, be nice and play, doesn't necessarily mean there is anything more and vice versa. You may get to know many people and try a straight/bi orgy after a while you won't know what body part belongs to who's and maybe where it's been lol then there's not much chance of catching feelings when you're just in the moment like that. Be careful how far down the rabbit hole you go :P

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