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RHP

RHP User

M56 F55

Very New and very nervous

December 05 2013

mmf

newbies

swinging

Calling all couplesMMF and general exploring has always been a fantasy of mine not so much the wife but her curiosity has now perhaps overtaken mine. I just want to try and get my head around what other couples do in regards to vetting another guy/girl,. Try to remember back to your first encounter, what your emotions were and how you dealt with them, I’m need to find out what if any rules were placed in reference to flirting, touching with others and what steps were taken to ensure that it did not overwhelm family time.Keen to know what boundaries were set between couples, I realise these ‘boundaries’ will differ from couple to couple and how these have affected choosing another person/couple into the bedroom. I also realise that these boundaries may change over time.I’d like to know how couple new couples made these first steps into 3 or 4 somes, do you just pick the first girl/guy that comes along, jump into it feet first and deal with the consequences after? do you slowly introduce non sex contact first and learn to cope with those emotions first, keen to hear from couples that have tried both paths. it’s an emotional minefield and am keen to be guided through it by those that have been where we are. My wife has been recieving lots of attention, understandably, because she's lovely.. this is all new for her too, and she has enjoyed recipricating sexy txts from strangers, I am feeling that there is a bit more secrecy to her, she holds her phone with her all the time, has changed her password for her emails. She tells me to trust her, but am struggling with the secrecy. We had a good long talk the other day and I feel happier about things and she agrees that it may have gotten a bit out of control but feels that if we invite a guy/girl into our bed, she needs to feel a connection. Is this normal and am I being totally paranoyd ?

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Comments

  • him_and_me

    him_and_me

    12 years ago

    Keep the communication channels open and honest. I've total trust in my wife and we've got one rule that make s this all so much easier for me. That is that we each have veto rights over any couple/person , situation or the entire swinging thing as a whole. We share all messages if we want. I don't really bother now as I know she is unlikely to become infatuated with anyone. She's also promised to be true to herself and if she ever found herself developing feelings beyond lust/friendship, that we would automatically veto that arrangement. We've got our relationship at stake and it takes priority. This is all mostly just fun. She is also learning to adjust to the hoards of women throwing themselves at me too.....I was almost able to type that with a straight face :) (I'm not texting your wife by the way) Good luck and keep talking. Him- Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Cheers him, I presuming the constant txt thing is normal then. So I'm being paranoid ?! - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    they are not really....

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  • rootratandlady

    rootratandlady

    12 years ago

    We have no secrets. I am free to read his phone anytime and he has the same freedom. It is very easy to get too wrapped up in the attention and develop feelings or be tempted to hide things if you aren't completely open about it. I found I got swept away with a guy in the beginning but I was able to talk to my husband and work out it wasn't real, I was just getting my wires crossed. Another time, as we were driving to our first couple meet, we were talking about kissing, I thought I was ok with him kissing her but once it got started I wasn't but I knew I only had to say to him 'no go' and he stopped. My feelings were respected and I know I can call it off at anytime and him the same. We found this works for us

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    so for me, we have set boundries, all of my communication with other guys is there to see at any given moment. However Hubby chooses to wait until I'm sure we are going to meet and I'm excited about it. With regular guys he browses now and again but is secure that I'm flirting and attention seeking rather than looking for a new love. He is totally secure in our relationship and has no cause to worry. I am very carefull about that! If you feel insecure, tell her!!!!!! If it doesn't feel right, tell her!!!!If it feels good in a bad, sick to the stomach way then you need to talk about that too. It's all very good living an alternate lifestyle, but if either of you isn't comfortable in the way you do things then you need to revise and work out what is right for you both. I went a little nuts when I was first allowed out to play, but I always made sure that Hubby was more than ok with it!

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    yes the constant texting is normal, it's flirting, it's anticipation and it maintains regular play. If it worries you though, talk about it!

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  • N4November

    N4November

    12 years ago

    Welcome to the land of the sinning!!! :p First rule for me is to have no expectations. Keep an open mind. The disappointment won't really matter and the mind blowing successes will be memories forever! Keep talking and keep the bullshit metre on all the time! Always meet in a public place. Confide in a friend or write down where you are both going and who you are meeting. Perhaps discuss some body language cues about how you feeling before you get a chance to decide... And lastly, I usually know within 30 seconds of meeting if I think I will play. Chemistry, attraction and honesty comes through very quickly I reckon and always ALWAYS listen to your instincts!! Good luck!! Xx

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  • him_and_me

    him_and_me

    12 years ago

    With our first encounters, it was varying depending on the couples we met. Luckily for us, we've had really good experiences with everyone we've caught up with. Some has involved just a few meets of dinner/drinks and discussions about the whole RHP/swinging thing. That was mainly with inexperienced couples though. Other times we could kind of guess that we could "introduce non sex contact", but as we'd only met a few hours earlier, we had no idea how the partners would react if we did reach out and touch, so we ended up doing little. Again, I think talking things through before and during a meet about what is and isn't ok sounds fair to me. I suspect others do things quite differently but as we are new ourselves and finding our feet, it works for me/us. Texting and messaging is part of the territory I think and as there seem to be a lot more horny guys than girls in this place, I suspect it's inevitable that the equality of attention is swayed in her favour. It's only a problem though if it makes you uncomfortable or seems to cause issues with your relationship. I'm not suggesting anything about your partner, but I know I wouldn't be happy if Mrs him_and_me wouldn't show me texts. However, i'm unlikely to get upset if she is messaging a guy with genuine desire about doing wild things with him...cause that is why we're here :) Maybe your partner will think you'll get upset if she is sharing explicit thoughts with others. Would you get upset about that? Lastly your comment about being paranoid invokes memories of a Nirvana song (name escapes me); "Just because your paranoid....don't mean there not after you"... Again, talk it through with your partner. Let her know tour concerns and make sure your comfortable to proceed. No sense in going deeper into something if you haven't addressed your reservations. Him.- Posted from rhpmobile

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  • him_and_me

    him_and_me

    12 years ago

    The Nirvana song I quoted... badly ("your" should be "you're" and "there" should be "they're") ..is called "Territorial Pissings". Sound like a recipe for setting boundaries to me :) Either that or something that belongs in the fetish section of the forums.- Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Quoting 'baygirl2315' Welcome to the land of the sinning!!! :p First rule for me is to have no expectations. Keep an open mind. The disappointment won't really matter and the mind blowing successes will be memories forever! Keep talking and keep the bullshit metre on all the time! Always meet in a public place. Confide in a friend or write down where you are both going and who you are meeting. Perhaps discuss some body language cues about how you feeling before you get a chance to decide... And lastly, I usually know within 30 seconds of meeting if I think I will play. Chemistry, attraction and honesty comes through very quickly I reckon and always ALWAYS listen to your instincts!! Good luck!! Xx thanks babygirl...

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  • Two_Tarts

    Two_Tarts

    12 years ago

    Different people are looking for different things and have different measures of the acceptable. For us anything is possible so long as we are open and honest with each other about it, but we both hold an equal right of veto if anything becomes uncomfortable or impacts our relationship. We give each other complete access to our phones and if there has been any significant texting then we both make a point of showing each other after the kids go to bed. We both enjoy a bit of texting with our special friends because the flirtation is awesome fun, but we make a point of keeping each other up to speed on what we are doing. If there comes the point where we are not comfortable for each other to see all of our messages then thats when we know it has probably gone too far and is no longer compatable with our relationship. The main thing for us is that our fun time (including texting) does not intrude too far into our regular lives or stop us paying a similar amount of attention to each other. Other couples seem more predictable than singles when it comes to messages and texting because they also have partners to help balance their enthusiasm, as well as there being something for everyone ;-) Texting is fun, but constant texting is not normal for either of us. If it concerns you then you should definitely talk to your partner about it because being open and honest with each other is the only secret to success that we know. Enjoy xx

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    We were totally open with each other every step of the way, checking out profiles together, both having input on messages. We made sure to talk a lot. I was happy to have a chat on the phone so they knew I was real but I left the phone calls to the Mr lol. That's just the way we did things and of course every couple has there own way of making things work. Ultimately though, our biggest agreement was that we could only go as fast as the slowest person... I didn't help a lot with that lol. I agree about needing to feel a sense of connection and was quite happy to stick to swapping messages for that. Um, me n he did occasionally cam up... It's about both of you, I don't know if you should be paranoid, but I believe it makes sense that you are both happy with such a big step. Cheers

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    I was thinking about it last night, "Why would she want to have an affair, behind my back" when if things go the way we hope she's not going to need to, she'll be able to have sex with whoever she wants with my blessing, and not just with 1 guy. What is there to gain....?? there’s more to lose by her not doing something consensual.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    can't emphasize enough the need to be open with your communication and not get too paranoid about it. Take the attitude that you will be the main beneficiary of the increased attention your wife will be getting. Try not to be possessive or jealous and be open and talk to her and ask about it with genuine interest. Seen it where the man has pushed this and suddenly when the woman loves the idea and attention gets all jealous and possessive and ends badly. As for how to vett, deciding when to play. You guys are in charge, set your rules, talk about them together and how you want it to happen. Guys can like or lump it and any that try to circumvent it, well there is your vetting process! Good luck with it all and make it a fun time for you both thy brings you closer not further apart. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Others can be nervous to and also try to get info about them and what they want out of an encounter with another couple. You will have good and bad meets also older the people the more complicated it can get. On the brite side you could meet and just click and make long lasting friends.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    I think you're right to be at least a bit worried about secrecy. This lifestyle doesn't work when partners aren't open and communicating with each other. Maybe you both need to discuss your boundaries and comfort levels with regard to communicating with people outside the relationship. The way your partner is acting around the messaging is clearly an issue that needs to be sorted out ASAP before it snowballs into a jealousy issue, which is bad for everyone. Talk to her about how you feel and create boundaries around communicating with others. Would it be better if you were involved in the communication as well? Would you prefer meeting people to suss them out, instead of message/phone contact? What would make you feel comfortable with regard to communicating with others outside the relationship? I know from personal experience that small issues like that can become big issues that harm the relationship. So I'd suggest communicate and set some boundaries.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Fresh meat :p - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    I think if you're concerned at this point... Then you need to open the communication floodgates to full. Everyones different etc, but certainly if I was in your shoes I'd like full and frank sharing of all communication... Personally I'd prefer to be involved in every step of her experiences... Our experiences... I'd rather share the seething, sweaty masses with her than not know or have her relate them to me... But that's my kink... As your experience grows over time you may or may not want to move to more of a "open" type relationship... But to me, I like to share... 😍 It's all about what makes you comfortable as a couple and as an individual within that... Big Lols @ him_and_me... It's a jungle out there for us guys... 👀 But you're lucky... You do have a lovely wife... Hp xo 💌 Because you're worth it...

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    No good one feeling one way and the other ' the other. In my experience the couples who think it out, make their rules and keep to them . Usually go OK. Include in those rules a out for what ever reason. Meet the guy , girl, couple over a coffee or drink, a few times if necessary Dont be affraid to say you dont feel it if you dont . Everyone meets for the same reason and thats to see if the chemistry is there. But most of all. Leave any jealousys at home. It can only work if you let it. If you cant get to this point' you're not ready.. Cheers Jay

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    .....Are you reading all your messages. Maybe you are missing some and your wife is reading and deleting them. That may explain the secrecy !

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  • him_and_me

    him_and_me

    12 years ago

    Quoting Hp "..Big Lols @ him_and_me... It's a jungle out there for us guys... 👀 But you're lucky... You do have a lovely wife..." Thanks mate! I know I am a very lucky man. She does get a bit of attention and for good reason. Like I said, we share all messages too, so...I've got my 👀 on you pal! Hahaha. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Your wife has a secret lover she doesn't want you to know about!! You both need to be central to the whole interaction, and your wife has to realise this is about the two of you.... not just her and the other person, because it will never work otherwise. It's when you start to feel left out is when jealousy starts to creep in and things get pretty ugly fast after that.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    thank you for that!! I have to trust my wofe wont delete any messages, otherwise thats lying and thats not a path we want to go down. She's never lied to me in her life, and I dont believe she'll start now. way too much at stake.

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Never ever assume u will get what u desire Respect the honesty of loyally

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Very well summed up strappy. @me... Well don't just sit there... Grab the strawberries and chocolate and get over here... 😈🚀😄 Hp xo 💌 Because you're worth it...

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    I agree with both sides of the story as ; first clear boundaries for you both, then to not having to feel any 'sneakyness' about it, because from a female; if your gut feeling is telling you that she is and have factual evidence, then it is true...What has left me confused about you storey is; she wants to feel the connection, yes I get that if it is just her having sex with that lover...but why then change the email? For you no longer to access? So disconnect you?Good luck, you sound like a real nice guy :)

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  • WhispersAndMoans

    WhispersAndMoans

    12 years ago

    What a scary scenario you paint. Changing passwords etc would appear to be an act of dishonesty if it happened in our relationship. Flirting is fine, important even but furtive would be very destructive to us. So we talk and share lots. Sit down and talk about you as a couple, don't sit around reading advice

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    there's obviously shit she doesn't want you to know ....red flag! Mr S

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Understand that you are sounding jealous, if you're going to play with other people or couples you have to figure out how to deal with that.... it's insecurities. Secondly, set rules that you both agree to and the veto rule is good. "If there is someone you don't like, the arrangement can be canceled if you don't want it to continue. - Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Either you are too intense with the prying or she is enjoying the attention a bit too much. - Posted from rhpmobile

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