F45
left high and dry
October 30 2012
Comments
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RHP User
13 years ago
That sounds really weird to me, particularly for a new relationship. I have no idea how a guy's mind works so can't help you with this one. But if it isn't working now I don't think it ever will. Maybe it's time to say .... NEXT! Meeka xx
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RHP User
13 years ago
If he cant even be bothered listening to your concerns then hes not worth having. What do you sacrifice next ????
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RHP User
13 years ago
I'm probably biased. I stayed in a relationship for 13 years when the sex dried up after 6 months. We averaged about four times a year, sometimes we went for a year or two without sex. I learnt a few important things. Sex is part of the glue that keeps a relationship together. If one partner isn't sexually satisfied, and you haven't talked about it and come to some kind of clear understanding (open relationship perhaps, or one partner deciding companionship is more important than sex), the relationship is likely to develop big cracks. The person who wants sex but keeps getting knocked back runs the risk of developing really low self esteem. The person who doesn't want sex isn't missing out on anything and therefore is probably less bothered. So I say, talk about it. Insist. If its mismatched libido, decide how you want to handle that - together. If it's a medical or psychological problem, ask him to get help, so that your relationship can flourish. If he won't, walk away now. My ex wouldn't get help, brushed me off when I talked about it, promised it was as important to him as it was to me, promised it would change, and then did absolutely nothing about it. It took me way, way too long to wake up and move on, and by that stage I had more baggage than Heathrow Airport. JMO.
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Smilingwithfun
13 years ago
I have to agree with the thoughts from above. As a male the first part of a relationship is always the best as far as sex goes. If he rolls over,WOW, how does it go from here.
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RHP User
13 years ago
sex is IMPORTANT. Yes there is more to a relationship but without the intamacy it will die. Everything brave heart said is so true. Good luck
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RHP User
13 years ago
I was in almost exactly the same situation,my ex husband had a very low libido,in nine years not once did he initiate any intimacy at all.I found this very soul destroying and you are right,it absolutely erodes your self esteem. Rara,if you have only been together for a short time I suggest this situation is unlikely to change without help.While a relationship is about more than sex,the lack of it is important ,at least to you. Your partner may be suffering from depression or have a problem with alcohol or drugs,if so he needs to get help to address these issues.Or he may just have a low sex drive.You need to decide what you want and need from a relationship,and if this man is not able to give you those things,leave....x R
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Soulmates
13 years ago
It's time to say next, he sounds like hard work.
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RHP User
13 years ago
new relationship and only sex a four times in a few months..he's either gay .not into you and just using you for company and as friend or he getting what he wants else were..
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RHP User
13 years ago
thankyou for all you comments. I ended things today.
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Lifes_great
13 years ago
Meeka, Brave Heart, Freya and Ticklish have all offered some really great advice.....advice worth listening to whether things can be worked out with your partner or not. I don't think I could add anything that they have not already covered. Ladies.....I'm impressed
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'EuropianBliss'If he cant even be bothered listening to your concerns then hes not worth having. What do you sacrifice next ???? This is the honeymoon phase... not the 25 years unhappily married phase. HOLY SHIT, 2 months in and he is turning his back to you?!? ALARM BELLS babe, he is NOT the one for you!
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'brave__heart' If one partner isn't sexually satisfied, and you haven't talked about it and come to some kind of clear understanding (open relationship perhaps, or one partner deciding companionship is more important than sex), the relationship is likely to develop big cracks. The person who wants sex but keeps getting knocked back runs the risk of developing really low self esteem. The person who doesn't want sex isn't missing out on anything and therefore is probably less bothered. It took me way, way too long to wake up and move on, and by that stage I had more baggage than Heathrow Airport. JMO. 8 years for me... that man stole my light and my love for love. Jerk! I'm a shadow of who I used to be and slowly slowly I'm getting back to my old self, I just can't remember who she is anymore...
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RHP User
13 years ago
I too find it strange, generally the first 6 - 12 months of a relationship I just cant get enough sex and fully try to fuck like the proverbial rabbit! Unless he has a very, very low sex drive or some other thing overshadowing his life (work stress, past relationship baggage, etc) I cant understand it.
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RHP User
13 years ago
My last long term relationship started & continued like that. Always react to the warning signs. His name wasn't Scott was it? I noticed you don't live that far from me! P.S. I know it is always surprising when men aren't that into sex, it's like not talked about but I can totally relate, it is him not you! curves x
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RHP User
13 years ago
ive been trying to get him to talk to me. But he just closes me out. He caught me playing with myself and told me it was feral. I have never come accross any man that has had a problem with self pleasure. He has asked me to pack away my toys as he feels they are wrong. Im a very sexual woman and enjoy alots of different things. How do i get thru to him that i have my own ideas about sex.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Good for you Rara! I am shocked to hear your stories brave_heart and honeybee. That really is terrible, why did you stay so long? Anyway none of my business just wanted to say you are both gorgeous and smart so hope you find your mojo and girl power soon. Meeka xx
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RHP User
13 years ago
You will be much better off rara1980. Sex isnt everything but hey the first 6 months and more is meant to be the time you ravage each other at any chance you get. do sneaky shit like have sex in the surf while your friends or family are only metres away. cook dinner naked while having a few bourbons or glasses of wine and find yourself eating dinner cold or burnt lol i have heaps more but not telling. there are some great people on rhp and im sure you will meet some of them soon
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RHP User
13 years ago
Not only doesn't be want sex, he's closed-minded about masturbation and toys. Run, run fast lovely woman!!
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'rara1980' ive been trying to get him to talk to me. But he just closes me out. He caught me playing with myself and told me it was feral. I have never come accross any man that has had a problem with self pleasure. He has asked me to pack away my toys as he feels they are wrong. Im a very sexual woman and enjoy alots of different things. How do i get thru to him that i have my own ideas about sex. Some weird assed Christian with hang ups about sex. I assume you didn't meet him on this site. Sounds like a lucky escape to me. You have ended it now so don't give him another thought. Bloody weirdo :(
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RHP User
13 years ago
for ending things with him.Now you can get out there and find someone who does enjoy sex to play with ....
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100'Good for you Rara! I am shocked to hear your stories brave_heart and honeybee. That really is terrible, why did you stay so long? Anyway none of my business just wanted to say you are both gorgeous and smart so hope you find your mojo and girl power soon. Meeka xx When you meet someone at 18 and they emotionally abuse you until you have no self esteem left whatsoever, it's hard to leave thinking no-one else on the planet will love you for who you are...
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RHP User
13 years ago
A person who wants to control one thing in your life will expand on the things they want to control and you would end up their thing a shadow of what you once were, no longer the living loving woman you are now. Don't look back nor blame yourself for any part of this failed relationship.
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RHP User
13 years ago
You won't be able to get through to a man like this. He wants to be in control. If you don't cut loose now and get away, you'll let him have control and it will keep getting worse. Run, sweet wee lass. Don't look back.
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RHP User
13 years ago
He worked out you were insanely rich and was only after your money?Honestly, what sort of bloke rolls over and goes to sleep on a decent erection? To say I’m baffled is an understatement.. It looks like moving one was a good call..
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RHP User
13 years ago
I meant "moving on"...Maybe the mods will correct my typo for me?
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RHP User
13 years ago
I hate to rain on everones parade here but it is NOT all about sex. Some people have extremely low libidoes and for a man, this can and does lead to erectile dysfunction. Discussing it, making a big deal about it, carrying on like it is all his fault will only make the problem worse. It sounds to me like this man was very embarrased about his problem. Probably had other relationships break up over the very self same thing. Way to go ladies...drive it in deeper. Make him feel even less of a man than he already does. Being able to have sex strikes at the very heart of masculinity. In a mans psyche...if he can not maintain an erection then he is less of a man. If the relationship was good enough to begin with and everything else was working except sex...these things can be worked out. Obviously this is a new condition for him and he does not yet have the self confidence to discuss it with his partners. Yes sex can and does break a relationship apart...but only if you let it. Oh and for all the men who commented....one day you may have this problem!
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RHP User
13 years ago
I agree with you. My point is simply that if he wants to keep a partner he needs to be willing to do something about it. And there's plenty he can do about it. I would also add that, frankly, if he's a grown man he shouldn't need someone to coax/cajole/beg/plead or otherwise to get him to do something about it. But I will bet - from what the OP has said - he hasn't done anything of his own accord. You can't have it both ways in a relationship. You can't deny ( intentionally or apathetically) a relationship a significant part of it's lifeblood AND expect to keep the girl. Problems like erectile dysfunction don't just fix themselves. I acknowledge they're loaded with embarrassment, shame etc. But still ..
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RHP User
13 years ago
Bullshit Handmaiden! He isn't embarrassed... he is telling rara she is feral for masturbating and that she is perverted for using toys. You know what if you have a problem... MAN UP and talking about it FFS. Rara tried talking to him and he didn't want to come to the party and tried making her feel bad and disgusting in the process. So good riddance!
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Handmaiden'Obviously this is a new condition for him and he does not yet have the self confidence to discuss it with his partners. Yes sex can and does break a relationship apart...but only if you let it. Oh and for all the men who commented....one day you may have this problem! How do you figure that out? You must be psychic. LOL
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RHP User
13 years ago
I think the dude was playing hard to get and wanted it from behind.... else why would he turn his back, huh?Creamy
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100' Bullshit Handmaiden! He isn't embarrassed... he is telling rara she is feral for masturbating and that she is perverted for using toys. You know what if you have a problem... MAN UP and talking about it FFS. Rara tried talking to him and he didn't want to come to the party and tried making her feel bad and disgusting in the process. So good riddance! How do you figure that out? Maybe it is you that is psychic? I have seen no mention of masturbation or toys for that matter. Yes he should talk about it but like I said. If this is a realitively new thing for him then he will be way too embarrased to discuss it. His whole actions sound to me as if he wants to have sex and when he loses his hard on he can not deal with it. How much have you had to do with erectile dysfunction Meeka because I have had a fair bit to do with it....fortunately with a man who is a little more open and honest than this man.
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RHP User
13 years ago
On page 1 Rara mentions that he caught her playing with herself and told her it was feral and that she needs to put her toys away because they are wrong. I haven't had any experience with erectile disfunction. In fact it wasn't something I even thought of when answering the question. I was pretty worked up though with his comments to Rara.... Sounds to me like he has hang ups with sex. Am I psychic? Hmmm it's possible. Lol.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I was simply expressing my concern about how this man wanted to control Rara. Control freaks...I was married to one...won't discuss problems, because to them they don't have a problem other than getting you to do things their way. They make you knuckle under to their control by making you feel bad about yourself. Controlling people do not change in my experience. That was a red flag in my opinion. I agree with jensman...RUN! He might be suffering from erectile dysfunction, which I agree is something which can be worked out. However I did not comment on this aspect of the problem, because I felt it was secondary to what was revealed about his controlling behaviour.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100'Bullshit Handmaiden! He isn't embarrassed... he is telling rara she is feral for masturbating and that she is perverted for using toys. You know what if you have a problem... MAN UP and talking about it FFS. Rara tried talking to him and he didn't want to come to the party and tried making her feel bad and disgusting in the process. So good riddance! Well said Meeks xo
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RHP User
13 years ago
i agree a relationship isnt all about sex. But it is a part of a relationship its a way to connect, bond with the one you love. Since posting my question in the first place we have had a honest conversation about it and he has a issue with his foreskin being to tight. Have sex hurts him it is easily fixed but he isnt willing to see a doctor. He has told me he has had the same problem with his ex girlfriends. But what am i to do when he isnt willing to seek the help he needs?
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RHP User
13 years ago
If not for any other reason than he called your masturbating feral, obviously he's got other issues about an open honest sexual relationship. If he won't see a doctor that's his problem, don't make it yours. For your own sanity please take the advice of the women who have been in the same situation and save yourself the heartache. You'll find someone who can be a man and let you be the amazing woman you are.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I was responding to the "ferral" remark too. You may well be right and he may have underlying issues but then the onus is on him to bring up the subject for discussion, not let her suffer in ignorance of it. Either way, I can't see that he's doing the right thing by Rara.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Is sometimes not that easy. Yes sex is a huge part of any relationship. Let us remember though that intimacy comes in many many forms...not only penetrative sex. Now we find out that there IS an underliying issue and it HAS effected other relationships. This could have driven the feeling of being a failure deeper. Like I said...for a man, his ability to maintain an erection goes to the very core of his masculinity. It makes the majority of men feel...well...less of a man to be honest. . Let us...for one moment...forget that these two had only been seeing each other for a few short months. Let us suppose that a long term partner developed erectile dysfunction. Would you all be saying "What a loser"...." Leave him".. then? You men out there...the chances of erectile dysfunction happening to you is a very real one. Especially the closer you get to fifty, although I have seen this in much younger men due to medical issues. Does this mean then that those men who suffer from this should not ever seek intamacy again? What about you women? If he is open and honest about it and states that he is not gonna get a hard on or that his hard on is gonna go away...are you still gonna want to get to know him or will you all run screaming for the door? Because that is the message that you are all putting out. Yes we are all here for a fantasy and have certain expectations that our fantsies will be played out. Deep down inside though dont we all want to find that one special person that will be by our sides through it all? You never will if you kick his sorry arse out the door at the first teeny hurdle.
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RHP User
13 years ago
ive tried the talking, but its got to the stage he wont even kiss me. What am i to do?
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RHP User
13 years ago
Rara, how emotionally attached are you to this guy? Seriously this going to be hard work. I personally would tell him that I am happy to help him and go to the doctor or what ever but just as friends. Okay there is more to a relationship than sex but you haven't got it right from the get go and he is just not wanting to help himself. What can you do? You need to look after yourself and your emotions. I mean is that even possible? Having your foreskin too tight?
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RHP User
13 years ago
Rara....this man is not thinking of anyone except himself and the pain and embaressment of one tiny snip! (usually)You say he has mentioned he has had the same problem with previous girlfriends.Until he can make the decision to do something about nothing is going to happen with you as a couple.He is not thinking of you at all.The relationship is still very much in its early days, tell him to do something about it or you are out the door.
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RHP User
13 years ago
It is obvious that he dioesnt find you sexy, you have to be easy on the eye to attract him. However saying that you did the right thing to dump him. Maybe a 12 month Gym membership, a jenny craig membership and a makeover would help
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RHP User
13 years ago
Maybe you not doing it right ?
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RHP User
13 years ago
SOUNDS LIKE YOUS ALL NO WHAT YOUS ARE DOING , NO COMMENT .DAS
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RHP User
13 years ago
EVERTHEOPTIMIST you just want a spanking,but ya not gonna get one. The wonderful thing about weight loss and fitness is that it is absolutely achievable for anyone.Intelligence is something else again,no amount of exercise is gonna make ya smart.
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RHP User
13 years ago
I am not the bloke to ask.im lucky if i get sex once every two years or even asked for it lol
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RHP User
13 years ago
hes not that into you or hes got erection problems?
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'rara1980'ive tried the talking, but its got to the stage he wont even kiss me. What am i to do? Now see I would leap on him and lick his face and smother him with kisses until he gave in... . If he wont even kiss you then he is being rather immature. To me it speaks of so much embarrasment and hurt on his behalf. What you do is entirely up to you. Is every other aspect of the relationsip working? Two months is not a very long time to be in any relationship. It takes years to know someone and you need to ask yourself if you care enough for this man to persevere. Is this man someone you can see yourself being with for a long time (apart from the sex and not talking about the lack of sex) Is he communicative in other aspects? Bottom line is...does he make your heart sing? Basically...is he worth the hassle?...and that is something that only you can know!
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RHP User
13 years ago
RARA1980 what did he say when you ended things? How did he react?
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RHP User
13 years ago
happened to me with my ex6 months into it slowed down, then she started sleeping in the lounge room.8 years later two kids and i was booted out the door..life still goes on
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RHP User
13 years ago
and without having more info, perhaps he had sexiul issues with a previous partner. maybe she laughed when he couldnt get it up or felt he didnt last long enough. Maybe he is embarrassed about something, pysically or psychologically. Perhaps sex is a difficult issue for him due to something in his past. Granted it is a pain when he wont talk to you about it, but maybe he isnt comfortable enough yet to talk about it. If hes great in every other way, i say hang in there a bit longer
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RHP User
13 years ago
Hey Rara , you are far to young to start taking his problems on board . Sounds very immatue to me .............any man with half a sex drive would love to watch you use your toys and absolutely love it . He needs an ajustment......not you !
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RHP User
13 years ago
I know if im heated up its very hard to cool down quickly... this guy sounds a bit strange. but i hope you do find something great because no one deserves to have their heart ignored like that.
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RHP User
13 years ago
strange yes, he might be sexually confused and hasn,t worked out yet if he,s gay
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'Meeka100'I mean is that even possible? Having your foreskin too tight? It's more common than people think. Recently one of the new 'body issues' tv-shows, they showed a man with this problem. The poor guy had been having a terrible time trying to have sex with his wife of 30 years. A small operation later he was dancing with joy. Well, after the stitches healed that is... He could not believe he had waited that long. Neither could his wife!
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RHP User
13 years ago
BTW, Good on you for choosing yourself RaRa! Having issues and being embarrassed is one thing, making your partner feel awful about themselves is another.
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RHP User
13 years ago
Quoting 'AlwaysOnce' and without having more info, perhaps he had sexiul issues with a previous partner. maybe she laughed when he couldnt get it up or felt he didnt last long enough. Maybe he is embarrassed about something, pysically or psychologically. Perhaps sex is a difficult issue for him due to something in his past. Granted it is a pain when he wont talk to you about it, but maybe he isnt comfortable enough yet to talk about it. If hes great in every other way, i say hang in there a bit longer
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